Christmas: Navigating the transition between childhood and adulthood

The Autistic Christmas experience is a diverse one, but whether you love it or hate it, there comes a time where you must make the transition from the kids table to the adult table.

Christmas. It seems to come earlier and earlier every year. My Autistic Christmas experience begins in early November with incredulity and no insignificant amount of rage at how early shops start decorating for Christmas. As someone who likes to not think about Christmas for as long as they possibly can, these early reminders of the day are NOT WELCOME.

Recently, however, I thought about Christmas a lot more than I usually do when it occurred to me how different my Autistic Christmas experience was now compared to when I was a young child.

As a kid, I remember loving Christmas. Presents, food, my family’s tradition of a Christmas swim. I tried to think about what had changed, what made me go from loving it to tolerating it. I realized nothing had. Instead, after being diagnosed, and growing up, I became more aware of the elements of Christmas I didn’t enjoy, while stressor child me pushed through without the language to acknowledge them. Loud, crowded houses, the surprise nature of presents, and the exhausting number of people to talk to. The things that now made Christmas so hard to enjoy.

At first, this was a devastating conclusion. Maybe I never liked Christmas! I had misremembered everything!

But this was a conclusion I refused to accept. There were great things about Christmas as a kid. I may have found some things hard, but overall, I had a good time.

If child me could overcome the parts of Christmas that stressed me out to enjoy the good, then so could adult me.

In fact, adult me had the perfect opportunity to build the ideal Christmas experience. No longer a kid who has little choice in how I celebrate Christmas, I have all the choice in the world.

Below is the process I followed to tailor my Christmas experience. Spoilers! Christmas is still not something I love, but I have gained the ability to enjoy the parts of Christmas that I loved as a child, and I am certainly less stressed when I see reminders of Christmas (although I still think November is far too early for Christmas celebrations).

Here’s what I did.

Is Christmas for me?

I first asked myself, is Christmas something I want to participate in. As an adult, I could just stop attending family celebrations. For some people, this is their only option. No matter how much Christmas may mean to others in your life, your wellbeing comes first. Saying no is allowed.

This wasn’t the right option for me, however. There were parts of Christmas I loved, such as the food, that I was not willing to miss out on.

Identify all the Christmas activities and analyze which ones I like, and which ones cause me stress.

Christmas day for me was overwhelming because there were so many activities and things that were done on the day. Below is a table I created of just some of the things that happen for me on Christmas day and whether I thought I was able to participate in them.

Downloadable Christmas Day Participation Checklist Template (PDF)

This process works for everyone. It helps identify the elements of Christmas you don’t want to live without. This can be helpful if you are spending Christmas with new people such as housemates or a partner, as you are able to communicate the traditions you would like to continue. It is also good at identifying which parts of Christmas you can’t manage and allows you to opt out of them.

In my above example, I identified eating lunch at the table was too overwhelming for me. By eating in a different location, it may save me spoons that I can use to participate in spoon dependent tasks such as the Christmas swim. I also identified supports I would need to participate in each task.

Advocate for yourself

Now that I was aware of what I could and could not do on Christmas I was able to communicate this to my family. Many people have expectations that you will continue to participate in the same activities and in the same way you have done in the past, so it is important to let them know of changes so they can manage their own expectations. This is helpful for them, but also for you who does not have to deal with any pressure from relatives.

Managing childhood to adulthood change:

One magical part of Christmas that I really missed was Santa. I used to leave out food for him, a stocking and receive heaps of presents. Now I participated in a Kris Kringle that left me with one present. Unfortunately, you cannot reinstate a belief in Santa, or demand more presents, and so I needed to think of new ways to bring back the magic.

One way I did this was to become Santa for my younger siblings and cousins. I helped them set up their stockings, leave out food, and I even dressed up as Santa so they could get a glimpse of him leaving presents. It wasn’t the same as when I was little, but it was rewarding to bring the magic to others.

I also created new traditions. I ask for books as a present and then vow to read one entire book on Christmas day. This shows to my family that I appreciate their gift, gives me a topic to talk about to extended relatives I haven’t seen in years, but most importantly, makes me seem busy and uninterruptable. If I need a break and don’t want to talk to others, I sit and read my book. If there is something you’d like to do on Christmas Day, make it happen.

Be prepared to be unprepared

Unfortunately, no amount of planning can prepare you for the surprises of the day, but your tailored Christmas may give you the spoons necessary to deal with them. However, think about what you may need to deal with the unexpected. What are you going to do if you don’t like the food, or if you receive a present you don’t like or makes you uncomfortable? How are you going to deal with comments from relatives that don’t like the boundaries you have put in place? Having a social script may help with these situations. Here are some examples:

• For receiving gifts: ‘Thank you for your gift. I really appreciate the thought you put into it.’
• For not enjoying food: ‘Thank you for preparing this food. Christmas can be stressful for me, so I have brought some comfort food to help me be present at lunch time, so I will be eating that.’
• For questions you don’t feel comfortable answering: ‘I am not comfortable talking about that, would you like to talk about [insert topic here] instead?
• For when you need a break: ‘I need some time to myself. I will join you again when I’m ready’.

Find allies

For me, my ally is my mum. If I run out of spoons to participate, or need a break, my mum tells family members where I am if they ask and stops noisy cousins from coming into my space.

I do the same for her in return if she needs a break. Together we make a good team that coregulates together and provides back up when needed.

If you do not have that ally in your immediate family, you can always invite a friend or partner to spend Christmas with you.

Conclusion

Even just completing this process alleviated a lot of stress surrounding Christmas. I felt as though I was going into the day prepared for all that was to come.  I still don’t love Christmas, but I can now participate in meaningful ways that doesn’t cause too much overwhelm.

I hope this process can help you too! The transition from childhood to adulthood is the perfect opportunity to find what works for you, and begin establishing boundaries and communication skills that will allow you to approach other events in a similar fashion and manage stressful family expectations.

Best of luck this holiday season.

This article is written by Esther MacIsaac